Flumadiddle and edelweiss are words. Larooeope is not yet a word. Moonshine is flumadiddle, or whiskey. Whiskey from an old tin can? Bellowhead. None of these are relevant. Elephants are relevant but irreverent, have you ever seen one in a dog collar? Yes, elephants are both irreverent and irreverend. Sadly, however, irreverend is not a word. Artichokes will be what they are until they are something else. Would a painter in an ill-fitting dog collar be an artichoke? No, that would clearly be illegal. In the grand scheme of things, elephants are more important than artists and whiskey due to their indisputable greyness, which infuses their very being in much the same way that the smell of tuna finds its way into your envelopes when you inadvertently leave them in the airing cupboard together.

ElephantA bomay duck will never swim upstream but will, perversely*, fly north in winter in a desperate bid to escape the onslaught of the terrible popadum storms of the Uttar Pradesh region. High, high, high they fly, way above the himalayas and on into Mongolia where they overwinter, feasting on marigolds and dry crusts that they earn by doing the washing up in the local deli. Ducks are rarely seen outside of delis due to the preponderance of bears in the streets and squares of Ulan Batar. The fact that bombay duck is a fish is irrelevant. If it was lunchtime it would be worried, but only because it hadn’t finished the washing up yet and it didn’t want to get the elephant into trouble.

* because Uttar Pradesh is north of Bombay,** so they fly directly into the storms. If they stayed in Bombay they would avoid them altogether, silly ducks.

** now known as Mumbai***

*** as opposed to Mumbye, which could be

  1. wishing your mother farewell
  2. enquiring as to whether one’s mother was in the vicinity****

**** but only when phrased as a question and spoken with an affected Welsh accent

Bombay Bicycle Club is another red herring, but that’s a whole different kettle of ball games.*****



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